I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
