I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
