I can text with my tongue
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
