Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
