Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
