I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
