Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
