I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
