The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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