dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
