Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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