Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
