Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
