You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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