i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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