that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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