god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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