Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
