Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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