I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
