someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
