MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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