Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.