everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
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I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
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Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.