And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are