i already hear my dad disowning me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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