I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So here I am, sexting at work.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
