I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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