I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
