You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
