Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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