Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
zippers are such a cool invention
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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