made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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