how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need a sexual gate keeper
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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