Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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