if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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