I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why do cheetos always look like penises
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
