You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
