but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
