This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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