Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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