So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
