Plan B is the new Plan A
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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