I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
