It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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