last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
