So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
