What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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