he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
