I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
