did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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