I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
