I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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