I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
