i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
